Mumbai

I have been reluctant to write even though I penned a few lines in my blog soon after I had heard the news.
The thoughts need to come out though as I feel like one of my own children has been badly wounded. Having lived more than half my life in Mumbai, that too in South Mumbai, this has hit home really hard. Yes, I have been around during bomb blasts two years ago and when there were some horrendous Hindu-Muslim riots, but this was way worse than barbaric. When the entire world is moving forward, there are those elements who want to push it to the medieval times.
The more I read, the sadder I got. Yes, the anger in terms of so many unanswered questions...
- Why didn't the government respond appropriately and promptly?
- Why isn't the government still not sending a strong message out?
- The immediate blame went to external elements; but knowing that these external elements are present, what did the government do to protect its people?
- My father always says in Marathi, "Hindustanaat mansaachi kimmat naahi amhi yevdhi aahot mhanun"; there is no value for human life in India - there are so many of us. this shows up time and time again - we are just numbers because of a country with a population of a billion
- Why does only Delhi have a commando force, given that so many cities were the victims of terrorist attacks in the past few months and the threat had been seen for the other large cities?
- The attacks happened at 9:45 p.m. The commandoes were only able to reach at 6:00 a.m. at each of the locations - I mean is this a joke or what?
- Narendra Modi attacks one of the top cops highly respected in all circles - Karkare - then offers his family compensation for his death which Karkare's wife rightfully refuses. What message are people here trying to convey?
- The BJP and Congress cannot work together - no strong message about condemning the terrorists; just the blame game. When will we ever learn?

All this is fine with me sitting 10,000 miles away... I really wish I was there doing something. Its the feeling of helplessness when - Can I do something, however little on my behalf.

Yes, my family is safe - my parents are fast asleep at 10 p.m.. My sister made it home in time; my sister-in-law made it home in time.
It helped that I had a five day weekend for Thanksgiving and that my children are older so they did their own thing while all I have done is follow the news on the internet - ndtv live and the various news websites and blogs - and CNN which had a good coverage. It made me sadder but I think I needed to do that since I was not physically present in Mumbai. Life has to go on and it will; I don't feel unsafe going to the city where I grew up and spending time walking the streets; yes, I would think twice about what I did with my kids but then I do that anyway. So many people have not been as fortunate as my family; so many parents have lost their children; so many children have lost their parents; so many poor folks at VT station - that was their home...
I thought of my favorite poem several times in the past few days - "Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high.......
Into that heaven of freedom, my father, let my country awake". I wonder what Tagore would have said were he alive today

Carnage

At times like this, with the carnage right now in the city of Mumbai, where I grew up, a city I love dearly, that I really, really miss being in India. What a shameful and dastardly deed. The three top police who died, all those innocent victims and their families. How can people be so cruel? They even went into a women's nursing home and opened fire.... these are barbaric acts? Can we not grow up in the 21st century? Why do humans have to resort to such acts of terror? When will India stop feeding the illiterate masses with religious fanaticism?

I am sad, very sad at this act. Extremely relieved that people near and dear were safe in their homes. What if they were not? What if I was not there? I hear my children watching their tv in the next room, oblivious to what's happening to their mom's world. They don't have the same connection to the country as I do and I know it. Maybe that's good and maybe not.

It is Thanksgiving tomorrow. I will be thankful for keeping my family safe and healthy. What about all of those who are suffering in Mumbai? I don't feel like a celebration; I know I will because my children will not understand why I don't want to. For their sake I must put up an appearance and I will.

God help the people there rebuild their lives.

Elections

Right now, I am in the position where I am neither here nor there. I arrived in the United States several years ago now it feels, from India, did the usual, got my greencard. I didn't feel like applying for citizenship - it just felt like if my heart had to speak, it couldn't leave India - it is my one link to my parents and I just felt like no, I didn't want to give it up. Practicality eventually took over and I applied for citizenship during the summer. At the time, the U.S. presidential elections seemed far away and I thought I'd get it before then.
So here I was, not being able to vote in India and not being able to vote here. These elections, being so historical in nature, really got to me and I really felt bad at not being able to vote. However, it was not to be. I have my interview next week and Obama got elected this week. I missed the boat this time.
The United States has become my adopted country and I feel really good at being able to absorb the values from both countries - it feels good to pick the good and discard the parts not worth looking into . I walked into a coteachers room that day of the elections - she is African American - and it never really occurred to me right until I walked into her so emotional to think back on what exactly it meant to the black population. Years and years of slavery, years and years of repression, years and years of feeling discarded and being made to feel inferior - so many memories waiting to be healed... Unbelievable. I was really moved, then realised to myself that it was only in this country, my adopted country, that something like this was possible where a black person rose from the ranks to become the shining star. How many other countries really offer this opportunity?
In India, much to everyone's denial, the caste system does exist everywhere - don't touch the person who sweeps the gutters, who takes out the garbage, who works in lowly jobs. Don't treat these people as your equals because they aren't - we are superior. This is ingrained in people right from childhood. With such mindsets, how can the suppressed people ever get out of their ruts? It is painfully sad. I can sit thousands of miles away and write about this but unless people like me start in their own small way, I am afraid that we will never see a change.

Diwali

This morning I am recovering from what was one of my most exhausting weeks. Thanks to one of those BareEssentuals foot balms, I slept really well and am planning out what is going to be a reasonably busy day. Diwali starts tomorrow. In America, given that everything is weekend oriented, for the past few years it has become a tradition in our home to invite several friends over the adjoining weekend. It is a lot of work but well worth it, I think and brings the spirit of Diwali, given that we don't celebrate several of the festivals at home. While the children are still in elementary school, we have been able to convey that spirit of Diwali to each of their classrooms, to the staff and it is fun for everyone.
I do wonder though - with all that work and the post-tiredness, why do I do it every year? I think I don't really have an answer but mostly I think its because I always think of my grandmother and her enthusiasm and how she enjoyed doing so much even later as she got older and more tired. It helps me keep her memory alive. It brings back lots of wonderful childhood memories growing up in India hoping to transport some of that across the seas to a different continent, where it mingles with the Halloween celebrations which typically comes very close to Diwali.
There are no firecrackers but then that's something we have reconciled to. There are lights and more lights and food and more food and lots of friends, very little family. My mother is around every once in a while. This year she is back in India and I did miss her yesterday as she will try and do whatever her physical ability permits her to do.
Here's hoping the spirit of Diwali carries on through the next generation...

My fourth marathon

So, I am sitting here with so many aches and pains in different parts of my legs that I wonder why I did it. This morning as I was driving for my race at 5:00 a.m., the same thought occurred to me. Am I just plain foolish? I knew there were at least 19,000 other runners/walkers but still... I have done this before and each time the same thought process goes on in my mind. Each time I decide that this is just not worth it - especially all the juggling I have to do - the children, husband, our home, my work, so many different factors. And all for injecting pain in my system? Each time, I know in my heart of hearts that I am going to do something similar again. When is the only question.

The buildup training for today's race was not too bad but it wasn't to my satisfaction. The summer had been great to catch up on with my runs. I could go at earthly hours, not just at 5:30 a.m. when the whole world around me was fast asleep. Then school started and everything went haywire. I felt like I was not doing as much as I should with my runs, that I was always lagging in my training (other than my long runs). However, mentally, I was really ready for the race today. 

I started out fine and kept going well upto mile 19.5. I was really impressed at how many water stops they had along the way, the gatorade, the fruit chews (now the latest, not the gel), the first aid stations. It was mostly a women's race. So it was fantastic to run with so many women running the full. There was no point in time when there weren't enough runners. There was music along the way and some kind souls played for us out of the sheer goodness of their hearts. I had finished the 13 mile mark in less than 2.5 hours - not very fast but that seemed to still set my finish goal of 5:00 hours in perspective(my best time so far). 

By mile 20 my left knee had really started hurting and I was wobbling. My speed had been steadily decreasing.  I was starting to feel demotivated. At mile 21, they gave us almond chocolates - yummm!! I then saw a Red Cross station and asked them if they had Ibuprofin/Motrin. They said they had tylenol. So I had the tylenol - two and wobbled along upto mile 23. At mile 23 I got a little more pep and started picking up. All along what kept me going after mile 19 were the wonderful messages I had got from my friends, coworkers and my kids - the ones I teach - they had given me the gift coupon to buy my running shoes which were the ones I was wearing. 

I kept myself going with eyes only on the next mile. At mile 26 I saw the finish and started sprinting. Of course, I had no idea that I had so much power still left in my legs. I was really happy with the way I finished but was hoping that I could have kept up my speed through those 4-5 miles. There is no point repenting. 

The thing that I was really disappointed by though was the fact that my family did not make it in time for the finish. This was the first marathon where neither my husband, kids nor mom were at the finish. Well, there's always a next time...